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News Thump
Andy Burnham to cap the number of times bus drivers can pretend they didn’t see you
Today at 12:22 pm
Man’s joy at finding a parking space ruined by hidden Smart car
Today at 9:21 am
British Avengers: Doomsday trailer features Bananaman, Supergran, Superted and Dangermouse
Yesterday at 11:34 am
Pete Hegseth makes drinking contests against him mandatory for all serving military personnel
July 17, 2026 at 10:05 am
Exclusive! Count Binface revealed to be neither a bin nor a count
July 17, 2026 at 8:20 am
‘F**k all getting done today’ admits hungover and miserable England
July 16, 2026 at 8:20 am
‘You should be arrested for threatening social media posts,’ insists man who said Lucy Connolly shouldn’t be arrested for threatening social media posts
July 16, 2026 at 8:04 am
Thomas Tuchel German again
July 15, 2026 at 9:18 pm
Local flytippers waiting until 8pm tonight
July 15, 2026 at 3:37 pm
Pepto-Bismol ‘Diarrhoea Man’ enters Clacton by-election
July 15, 2026 at 8:51 am
‘Teenagers are too easily manipulated to be allowed on social media’, insists man who believes every Daily Mail headline
July 15, 2026 at 8:35 am
Hosepipe bans imposed after water companies fear they can no longer guarantee the smooth dumping of raw sewage
July 15, 2026 at 8:05 am
Man’s Tenerife holiday completely ruined after finding out it’s warmer and sunnier at home
July 15, 2026 at 8:05 am
“A minor fraud conviction still comfortably clears recent Labour government standards,” insists Andy Burnham after appointing Louise Haigh
Yesterday at 9:40 am
The Very Hungry Caterpillar given Ozempic
Yesterday at 9:09 am
Nigel Farage pledges to reduce crime by decriminalising racism and fraud
July 20, 2026 at 8:20 am
Nigel Farage supporters unhappy with all the Count Binface jokes quietly asking themselves ‘Wait, are WE the snowflakes?’
July 14, 2026 at 1:05 pm
Very stable genius celebrates Iran war entering exciting fifth month of four-week campaign
July 14, 2026 at 10:51 am
Tony Soprano to collect 20% protection fee for Strait of Hormuz
July 14, 2026 at 10:51 am
FIFA denies accusations of bias after Gianni Infantino spotted wearing Argentina strip
July 13, 2026 at 10:06 am
“Our desperate attempts to dismiss Count Binface as an establishment stooge are completely unrelated to our internal polling”, insist Reform
July 13, 2026 at 9:20 am
‘America’s parasites, worms and bacteria are finally enjoying freedom from government interference,’ insists RFK Jr
July 13, 2026 at 8:49 am
Americans and Brits get into fist-fight over pronunciation of ‘Dune’
July 12, 2026 at 11:35 am
“Seventh heatwave in just over a year absolutely nothing to worry about” insists man with head in rapidly warming bucket of sand
July 10, 2026 at 8:50 am
Brexiters to send France a Battle of Britain tea towel in response to Bayeux Tapestry loan
July 10, 2026 at 7:07 am
The Times criticised for publishing photo of Count Binface’s home on planet Sigma IX
July 10, 2026 at 6:22 am
Channel 5 steps up ratings war with ITV by commissioning ‘Intercourse Beach’
July 20, 2026 at 8:04 am
Kemi Badenoch and her gang bog-wash Andy Burnham and nick his dinner money
July 20, 2026 at 6:33 am
I said nothing when they came for Laurence Fox, I said nothing when they came for Russell Brand, and I said nothing when they came for Andrew Tate, and I remain perfectly comfortable with all of those decisions
July 19, 2026 at 11:08 am
Most popular baby name for boys in 2025 revealed to be ‘Nigel’
July 10, 2026 at 6:22 am
Alderaan destruction just ‘one murder’, insists Rupert Lowe
July 9, 2026 at 12:08 pm
Holocaust just ‘one murder’, insists Rupert Lowe
July 9, 2026 at 11:49 am
Nigel Farage debuts new ‘Count Washing Machine’ persona in desperate attempt to boost popularity
July 9, 2026 at 11:25 am
“Defeating Count Binface would provide an unimpeachable mandate for Nigel Farage,” insists Reform spokesperson with straight face
July 9, 2026 at 9:50 am
Iran-USA conflict resumes after Trump accidentally rests cheeseburger on red button
July 9, 2026 at 9:21 am
Thanos calls by-election
July 8, 2026 at 12:22 pm
‘Leave means leave’ not applicable to parliamentary resignations, insists Nigel Farage
July 8, 2026 at 9:21 am
Why this by-election is just ‘Me vs The Establishment’, by Count Binface
July 8, 2026 at 8:35 am
NewsThump formally endorses Count Binface for a better Clacton
July 8, 2026 at 7:50 am
England v France 3rd place play off to be watched by at least 20 or 30 people worldwide, insist FIFA
July 18, 2026 at 9:19 am
Quinoa not pronounced like that, say experts
July 17, 2026 at 10:52 am
FIFA awards Falkland Islands to Argentina after lengthy VAR review
July 17, 2026 at 10:36 am
Brave ‘man of the people’ calls by-election to protect his right to take secret donations from foreign-based billionaires and convicted fraudsters
July 7, 2026 at 2:50 pm
