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News Thump
‘Enjoy this moment as no one can ever take it away from you’, Lance Armstrong tells Man City
Today at 10:19 am
‘We are going to fu*k your feet right up’ whisper new shoes
Today at 10:19 am
Premier League trophy engraver admits he has now perfected the asterisk symbol
Today at 9:15 am
Brexiters propose Commonwealth Song Contest
May 15, 2024 at 10:34 am
Pregnancies by milkmen ‘at all time low’
May 15, 2024 at 9:59 am
Woke, Woke, Woke, Snowflake, Cancel Culture, Woke, insists Lee Anderson
May 14, 2024 at 3:39 pm
Millwall ‘firm’ offer to represent post-Brexit Britain at next Eurovision with ‘No-one Likes Us and We Don’t Care’
May 14, 2024 at 1:57 pm
Esther McVey promoted from Common Sense Minister to Minister for Silly Walks
May 14, 2024 at 11:45 am
Homeopath refusing to accept heavily diluted payment
May 13, 2024 at 1:43 pm
Man wondering if he’s allowed to talk about Fight Club yet
May 13, 2024 at 1:29 pm
Woman adamant that telling her cat how wrong it is to kill birds will work in the long run
May 13, 2024 at 10:16 am
First BBQ of 2024 ruined as neighbour takes thunderous shit with window open
May 11, 2024 at 1:12 pm
Man who spent over a grand to see the northern lights in Iceland last month now feeling a bit silly
May 11, 2024 at 9:25 am
Man City complete fairytale ending to their story of a rag-tag bunch of multi-millionaires backed by a multi-billionaire and with nothing in their pockets except 115 financial irregularities
Today at 6:58 am
Man at other urinal clearly had asparagus for lunch
May 17, 2024 at 2:29 pm
To fix sewage pollution crisis we’ll need to raise executive bonuses by 50%, insist water companies
May 17, 2024 at 10:33 am
Office psychopath organises Friday afternoon meeting on first warm weekend of the year
May 10, 2024 at 12:09 pm
Mum of four treated for shock after she ‘completes’ laundry
May 10, 2024 at 9:14 am
Man who wrote ‘happy to discuss’ in email really hoping he doesn’t have to discuss
May 10, 2024 at 7:59 am
Rats attempting to flee sinking ship trampled underfoot by Tory MPs
May 9, 2024 at 2:42 pm
Man pivots seamlessly from criticising trans rights as ‘a threat to women’s safety’ to defending Russell Brand as ‘no threat to women’s safety’
May 9, 2024 at 1:27 pm
King and Prince Harry unable to meet up due to hating each other
May 9, 2024 at 11:58 am
Man celebrates warming oceans because ‘it was too cold to swim when I was in Bognor’
May 8, 2024 at 1:31 pm
Man already offended by imaginary criticism of him celebrating VE Day
May 8, 2024 at 11:16 am
Grandad reminded “we just say ‘dark brown’ now”
May 8, 2024 at 9:44 am
Couple in ‘extremely passionate relationship’ actually just hate each other
May 8, 2024 at 9:34 am
Ancestry test reveals woman distant descendent of Rylan Clark
May 17, 2024 at 10:15 am
17-year-old stuns neighbours by leaving original exhaust on car
May 16, 2024 at 3:13 pm
Fictional alien time travellers can’t be black, insist morons
May 16, 2024 at 12:28 pm
Man decides it’s just easier to become climate change denier than waste his life washing out food containers
May 7, 2024 at 3:28 pm
Man who claims he needs a ‘sugar boost’ actually just a greedy bastard
May 7, 2024 at 8:59 am
Timmy Mallett accidentally stumbles into Met Gala and immediately wins ‘Best Outfit’
May 7, 2024 at 8:28 am
Sadiq Khan’s London on verge of becoming entirely free of grifting arseholes
May 6, 2024 at 8:26 am
Tory social media commentator suffers dislocated shoulder after reaching to spin results as ‘good night for Tories’
May 3, 2024 at 2:14 pm
The voters didn’t back us because we still let trans people use the toilet of their choosing, insist angry Tories
May 3, 2024 at 12:27 pm
Government reveals plans to outsource primary school education to Rwanda
May 2, 2024 at 2:47 pm
‘Normal’ relationships always involve the man pretending to be a cat and eating from the hand of the woman, insists George Galloway
May 2, 2024 at 12:28 pm
DIY SOS team arrives at Manchester Co-op Live Arena
May 2, 2024 at 8:58 am
Man checking ID at polling station treating the job like he’s looking for spies at Checkpoint Charlie
May 2, 2024 at 7:41 am
Keir Starmer unveils ‘six steps for change’ that he’ll conveniently side-step once in Downing Street
May 16, 2024 at 11:43 am
“Skeletor, Moriarty and Voldemort,” Jacob Rees-Mogg reveals his secret plan for election success
May 15, 2024 at 2:16 pm
Being called a gammon is exactly the same as being lynched, claim cantankerous white codgers
May 15, 2024 at 1:20 pm
World Snooker Championship to launch replica kits
May 1, 2024 at 3:59 pm
AI tools pass new intelligence milestone after researchers fail to find a single AI that would vote for Reform UK
May 1, 2024 at 1:00 pm
We must stop the small boats so we can take care of our own first, insists man furious at taxpayer cash being used to feed hungry schoolchildren
May 1, 2024 at 10:24 am
Concern that links to the Tory party could hurt Tories in upcoming local elections
May 1, 2024 at 9:42 am
“We know where all the Rwanda deportees are, we’re just keeping it a secret,” insists government
April 30, 2024 at 2:14 pm
Peter Kay fans urged to save money on tickets for his new show by remembering things for themselves
April 30, 2024 at 11:25 am
Audi and BMW in desperate battle to release most arrogant autonomous vehicle
April 29, 2024 at 1:11 pm
‘Biased BBC’ accused of failing to pander to every single one of man’s prejudices
April 29, 2024 at 12:57 pm