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News Thump
Cynical virtue-signalling libtard does nice thing in full view of other people
Today at 2:10 pm
Proud patriot ready to vicariously celebrate achievements of British athletes he’s never heard of in sports he didn’t know existed
Today at 12:26 pm
‘Water bills may have to rise,’ says water company CEO as he flicks through Lamborghini brochure
Today at 9:27 am
Scientists still unsure if dickheads become estate agents or estate agents become dickheads
July 23, 2024 at 9:13 am
Marketing arseholes mulling over what body part they will make women feel crap about in 2025
July 22, 2024 at 2:12 pm
Barack Obama and Joe Biden to team up and drive around in a van solving mysteries
July 21, 2024 at 9:12 pm
‘Let’s elect a man who’ll be President at 82’, insist voters who claimed President was too old at 81
July 21, 2024 at 8:53 pm
White House aides leave a note on Biden’s mirror to remind him he is no longer running for President
July 21, 2024 at 8:40 pm
Conspiracy theorists to celebrate 55th anniversary of first ‘moon landing was fake’ claim
July 21, 2024 at 9:58 am
President Biden to apologise for America’s use of the word ‘fanny’
July 19, 2024 at 1:56 pm
“Vegans never shut up about it!” insists man who has instagrammed every single steak he’s ever eaten
July 19, 2024 at 12:57 pm
Leeds band Kaiser Chiefs questioned over advanced knowledge of civil unrest in the city
July 19, 2024 at 9:58 am
Global Microsoft outage leaves Bill Gates’ 5G vaccine microchip monitoring programme in chaos
July 19, 2024 at 9:12 am
Team GB facing further Olympic Dressage controversy after doping test reveals pantomime horse
Yesterday at 10:15 am
We only kicked him in the head because there were no stairs to throw him down, insist police
Yesterday at 9:15 am
Flag shaggers put away crusty St George’s flag and lube up the Union Jack as Olympics approaches
Yesterday at 8:42 am
Narnia residents delighted as immigrant loophole through wardrobe is finally closed
July 18, 2024 at 2:26 pm
‘You want to enjoy the nice weather by relaxing outside? Well f**k you’ say flying ants
July 18, 2024 at 1:55 pm
Moonpig sets a new Guinness World Record for number of upsells during purchase of a single greetings card
July 18, 2024 at 11:43 am
Man who spent two years accusing people of wearing ‘face nappies’ now has a bandage taped to his ear
July 18, 2024 at 9:31 am
Pigeon desperately holding in bowel movement until man finishes washing his car
July 17, 2024 at 2:16 pm
Thundering shit-gibbon with no discernible talent or insight posts tweet
July 17, 2024 at 1:45 pm
State Opening of Parliament delayed after Met Police detain Black Rod
July 17, 2024 at 10:18 am
If global heatwaves and worldwide record temperatures are being caused by global warming why did I have to use an umbrella yesterday, ask morons
July 17, 2024 at 9:12 am
England fans thank Southgate, keep everything crossed he’s not coming to their club
July 16, 2024 at 12:43 pm
Republicans take short break from blaming assassination attempt on Democrats who compared Trump to Hitler, to appoint VP nominee who compared Trump to Hitler
July 16, 2024 at 9:43 am
Children over the moon at ‘day out treat’ to stately home and accompanying gardens
Yesterday at 8:16 am
Car wash celebrates cleaning its millionth banknote
July 24, 2024 at 3:45 pm
‘I hope they’re not mean’ – dressage horse named in Strictly line up
July 24, 2024 at 9:26 am
Clacton residents receive first of many, many out-of-office replies from Nigel Farage’s parliamentary email address
July 15, 2024 at 2:25 pm
‘Look, who doesn’t like to clip their children with bullets from time to time,’ insists God
July 15, 2024 at 12:56 pm
Gareth Southgate’s cream polo top ‘won’t make a rash decision on future’
July 15, 2024 at 11:27 am
Alternate universe where the United States has proper gun control sees Donald Trump covered in a milkshake
July 15, 2024 at 9:42 am
Tapas and sangria sales up 700% in Wales and Scotland
July 15, 2024 at 8:26 am
Dumbledore mistakenly refers to the Chosen One as ‘Voldemort’
July 13, 2024 at 1:41 pm
‘Hitler must be stopped’ insists Biden
July 13, 2024 at 1:10 pm
Joe Biden remains defiant despite mistaking NATO summit for granddaughter’s birthday
July 12, 2024 at 8:11 am
New study finds that not everything needs a f**king podcast
July 12, 2024 at 8:11 am
‘Can I book Monday off?’ entire nation asks boss
July 12, 2024 at 7:39 am
Labour suspends Labour MPs for voting like Labour MPs
July 24, 2024 at 9:12 am
Snoop Dogg busy practising for the Olympics
July 23, 2024 at 3:57 pm
Mum of four being treated for shock after she ‘completes’ laundry
July 23, 2024 at 9:33 am
England to play nine at the back against Spain
July 12, 2024 at 7:24 am
Labour supporters still shocked and disappointed by Labour election win
July 11, 2024 at 9:12 am
Water bosses tell public, ‘Give us another £180 each, or we’ll keep pouring shit into your rivers’
July 11, 2024 at 8:41 am
Oops! Man’s attempt to use washing machine results in complete societal collapse
July 11, 2024 at 8:41 am