My Press today

News Thump

New Tesla feature to automatically create explicit images of pedestrians it passes on the street

Today at 9:21 am

Man celebrating all the Tories defecting to Reform the same man who wanted the Tories out at the last election

Yesterday at 1:22 pm

Paedo community keen to avoid being tarnished by association with Elon Musk

Yesterday at 1:22 pm

I’d have called the family of Renee Nicole Good if she’d been shot storming the Capitol building while carrying a knife, insists Trump

January 8, 2026 at 12:41 pm

ICE celebrates going entire day without murdering innocent civilian

January 8, 2026 at 9:21 am

NATO really wishing it hadn’t wasted money renewing its website domain

January 7, 2026 at 4:25 pm

Learner drivers to be taught insults and aggressive hand gestures to better prepare them for UK roads

January 7, 2026 at 11:36 am

New garish ballroom mysteriously appears in Greenland

January 6, 2026 at 4:06 pm

Homeworker still managing to use snow as excuse not to do any work

January 6, 2026 at 3:06 pm

Rachel Reeves announces new tax for households with more than one snowman

January 6, 2026 at 2:36 pm

Man who ran out of de-icer forced to scrape car windscreen like he Amish or something

January 6, 2026 at 9:35 am

Big Sam Allardyce seals himself in wrapping paper and lies waiting outside Old Trafford

January 5, 2026 at 12:37 pm

Sleep-deprived and malnourished family rescued from quick game of Boxing Day Monopoly

January 5, 2026 at 11:21 am

Lord Mandelson accuses Jeffrey Epstein of gatekeeping paedophile sex ring from LGBTQ+ community

Yesterday at 1:22 pm

United States driving test to include ‘three-point turn while being shot in the face’ manoeuvre

January 11, 2026 at 3:23 pm

Johnny Depp left terrified after Met Office issues Amber warning

January 11, 2026 at 2:11 pm

Donald Trump wins inaugural FIFA Abduction Prize

January 5, 2026 at 8:23 am

Trump begins his pursuit of the 2026 Nobel Peace Prize by hitting Caracas with numerous missiles of friendship

January 3, 2026 at 10:51 am

Motivation to make 2026 ‘your year’ dead after reading just three work e-mails

January 2, 2026 at 11:38 am

Stranger Things’ Giant Spider Monster ‘actually quite small for Australia’

January 2, 2026 at 10:35 am

Chelsea FC begin search for brilliant football manager who has also never heard of Chelsea FC

January 1, 2026 at 4:38 pm

‘2026 still pretty shit’ warn Australians

December 31, 2025 at 1:27 pm

‘It just needs to be out of the house by New Year’ insists man eating Chocolate Orange for breakfast

December 31, 2025 at 9:57 am

Nation busy making pathetic last-minute attempts at 2025’s New Year’s resolutions

December 31, 2025 at 9:06 am

It’s Easter now, insist supermarkets

December 30, 2025 at 2:37 pm

Today either Tuesday, Friday or Sunday, estimates delirious nation

December 30, 2025 at 10:21 am

Asking us to stop creating non-consensual sexual images of children is ‘censorship’ insists Musk

January 10, 2026 at 10:05 am

X launches new monthly subscription Pedo Premium+

January 9, 2026 at 2:50 pm

Elon Musk to address the issue of sexualised deep-fakes by monetising it

January 9, 2026 at 11:23 am

‘Is that it then?’ ask nation’s spoiled children

December 29, 2025 at 9:54 am

Santa prepares public statement following accusations that ‘he clearly prefers rich kids’

December 29, 2025 at 9:22 am

Woman left with no time to respond after absolute psychopath of a friend hand delivers card on Christmas Eve

December 24, 2025 at 12:51 pm

World’s greatest code breakers enter third day of trying to decipher identity of ‘A’ from ‘Balmoral’

December 24, 2025 at 11:12 am

Man who lost housekeeping money gambling online delighted to hear bookmaker boss earned £280m last year

December 24, 2025 at 8:55 am

Child completely rewrites Christmas list with less than 36 hours to go

December 23, 2025 at 1:36 pm

Monty Python’s Spamalot to be renamed Donald Trump’s Spamalot for duration of Kennedy Centre run

December 23, 2025 at 10:36 am

If 2025 is the warmest year on record, why did I have to scrape ice off my car this morning, asks man who ‘does all his own research’

December 23, 2025 at 8:22 am

Denmark appoints special envoy tasked with making California part of Greenland

December 22, 2025 at 10:34 pm

‘Spare a thought for those who will be alone this Christmas’ urges 65-year-old Andrew

December 22, 2025 at 1:07 pm

Greggs to introduce micro-sausage roll for customers on weight-loss jabs

January 9, 2026 at 9:07 am

Taliban praises Trump regime for finally just getting police to kill the people they disagree with

January 8, 2026 at 8:08 pm

Scientists still unsure if assholes become ICE agents or ICE agents become assholes

January 8, 2026 at 1:24 pm

White House adds permanent black square to President Trump’s face

December 22, 2025 at 8:07 am

Trump administration finally releases Epstein files after redacting all mentions of the ‘Tangerine Grope Machine’

December 21, 2025 at 11:20 am

Vampires celebrating their longest day of the year

December 21, 2025 at 10:21 am

Shock as Epstein files reveal man who got a blowie in the Oval Office also likes hot tubs with young women

December 20, 2025 at 2:50 pm

White House confirms Trump’s impromptu visit to Walter Reed hospital was to receive ‘Dementia test of the year’ award

December 19, 2025 at 9:25 am