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News Thump
Americans delighted by booming economy in which they can no longer afford to drive
Today at 2:52 pm
Tucker Carlson’s defence of WWII Germany forces Britain to endure brief period of agreeing with Jacob Rees-Mogg
Today at 1:50 pm
Nigel Farage reassures parliamentary standards commissioner that billionaires regularly give politicians £5m for entirely non-political reasons
Today at 11:05 am
Trump administration quits European corruption group after discovering members are actually trying to ‘stop’ corruption
September 30, 2026 at 11:07 am
“Someone must pay for better care for pensioners,” insists pensioner, before clarifying he meant ‘someone else’
September 30, 2026 at 9:35 am
‘Our £120m training socks sponsor deal was entirely genuine’ insists Man City
September 30, 2026 at 8:34 am
Nigel Farage named Terrorist PR Professional of the Year for repeatedly terrorising Britain before anyone knows what happened
September 29, 2026 at 2:20 pm
“I needed it to be terrorism!” wails distraught Reform supporter
September 29, 2026 at 12:51 pm
Petrol stations offering litre of diesel in exchange for firstborn child
September 29, 2026 at 8:34 am
Netflix to release new Man City documentary titled ‘Only Financial Irregularities in the Building’
September 29, 2026 at 7:34 am
Rising fuel costs will see Vengabus replaced with ‘Vengabicycle’, insist Vengaboys
September 29, 2026 at 7:04 am
‘It’s very important you don’t check if we have criminal pasts’, insist Reform councillors with nothing to hide
September 28, 2026 at 12:49 pm
Frustrated scientists admit, ‘We may never have a vaccine for stupid’
September 28, 2026 at 12:21 pm
“We forgot to mention all the ‘irrefutable evidence’ during the four year investigation” insist Man City lawyers
Today at 9:36 am
Fears grow that high diesel prices could lead to more cyclists
Today at 9:21 am
Trump reminds Americans that socialism is evil unless the $5,000 cheque comes with his name on it
October 2, 2026 at 12:19 pm
Government reassures drivers £2-a-litre diesel will be much easier to calculate
September 28, 2026 at 11:50 am
Under-16 social media ban heralds return of locally sourced, artisanal teenage bullying
September 28, 2026 at 9:20 am
RAF Fairford suspects chased down by Gloucestershire residents pretending they were wheels of cheese
September 28, 2026 at 6:18 am
Reform demonstrate their commitment to ‘looking after women and children’ by closing every nursery in Reform led council
September 27, 2026 at 12:19 pm
Criminal gang escapes during FBI raid after releasing a sheep wearing lipstick
September 25, 2026 at 10:32 pm
Donald Trump repeatedly refers to President Xi as ‘President Eleven’
September 25, 2026 at 10:32 pm
OpenAI admit agent killed John Connor’s foster parents
September 25, 2026 at 10:32 pm
Trump overheard asking President Xi if the pandas know kung fu
September 25, 2026 at 10:32 pm
Donald Trump uses UN address to deliver this week’s regularly scheduled threat to annihilate Iran
September 25, 2026 at 10:32 pm
Donald Trump renames Artificial Intelligence ‘Super Duper Clever Internet Brainboxes’
September 25, 2026 at 10:32 pm
Reports of Reform supporter able to pleasure woman prove false
October 2, 2026 at 10:51 am
Woman survives two minutes in Primark
October 2, 2026 at 10:51 am
Airlines furious after government closes lucrative ‘pay us or your toddler sits with a stranger’ business model
October 2, 2026 at 10:07 am
Andy Burnham to present Donald Trump with tickets to see Oasis at the Etihad
September 25, 2026 at 10:32 pm
President Trump becomes mime due to lack of microphones
September 25, 2026 at 10:32 pm
Frodo and Sam stranded on Mount Doom following air traffic control glitch grounding all eagles
September 25, 2026 at 10:32 pm
Lip readers confirm audio-free Trump was confessing to several sex crimes
September 25, 2026 at 10:32 pm
Everton deducted another six points after Manchester City found guilty of 114 charges
September 25, 2026 at 10:32 pm
Manchester City fans vindicated after club found innocent of almost 1% of charges
September 25, 2026 at 10:32 pm
Government to reward decades of improved football fan behaviour by reintroducing thing most likely to reverse it
September 25, 2026 at 10:32 pm
Reform supporters suddenly happy with ‘two tier policing’ after party member merely cautioned for assaulting woman
September 25, 2026 at 10:32 pm
Nation votes to send Jacob Rees-Mogg to fight Russia by himself
September 25, 2026 at 10:32 pm
Scientists reclassify the shortest measurable unit of time as that which occurs between Tommy Robinson’s mate being arrested and the launch of his fundraising page
September 25, 2026 at 10:32 pm
US doctors battling to save the life of woman so government can kill her properly
October 1, 2026 at 1:06 pm
‘The people have spoken,’ insist Brexiters determined to ensure they are never allowed to speak again
October 1, 2026 at 12:06 pm
Flydubai attacker would’ve been sucked out our windows, says Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary
October 1, 2026 at 10:09 am
Reform UK claims victory after ‘mass exodus of undocumented immigrants’ as migratory birds depart for the autumn
September 25, 2026 at 10:32 pm
‘Patriots’ outraged as man arrested ‘just for waving the Union Jack’ outside the bank he just robbed
September 23, 2026 at 12:20 pm
Oops! Stonehenge only 34 years old
September 22, 2026 at 11:24 am
White House reveals first presenter for new state-run news media channel
September 22, 2026 at 8:33 am
Government urges Britons to stockpile emergency supplies after gesturing vaguely at *everything*
September 22, 2026 at 7:50 am
Strictly Come Dancing forced to activate Britain’s emergency C-list reserves
September 21, 2026 at 1:38 pm
Nigel Farage promises to take back control of Britain’s borders by handing them to a foreigner
September 21, 2026 at 10:22 am
Trump triumphal arch to feature golden, winged Jeffrey Epstein
September 21, 2026 at 8:56 am
‘Patriots’ who insisted ‘All Lives Matter’ celebrate closure of RNLI station dedicated to saving all lives
September 19, 2026 at 2:39 pm
Warhammer 40k player hasn’t noticed fuel price increase because he’s used to paying £100 for a tank
September 19, 2026 at 2:21 pm
Future of humanity entrusted to famously reliable consciences of tech billionaires
October 1, 2026 at 9:19 am
‘Sheikh Mansour Airlines’ is a completely legitimate sponsor, insists Man City
September 30, 2026 at 2:50 pm
Nigel Farage insists police declare terrorist incident after car backfires outside mosque
September 30, 2026 at 12:22 pm
Completely naked Trump bans CNN from White House for reporting that he has no clothes on
September 19, 2026 at 2:05 pm
CNN reporters smuggled into White House inside a catering truck
September 18, 2026 at 9:53 pm
Trump bans CNN and Politico as US adopts ‘hugely successful’ press freedom model pioneered by Russia, China and North Korea
September 18, 2026 at 9:08 pm
Canada ‘excited’ to move closer to EU after reviewing Britain’s ten-year experiment with doing the opposite
September 18, 2026 at 2:07 pm
Ed Sheeran’s ginger hair leaves tour in solidarity with its fellow persecuted minorities
September 18, 2026 at 9:35 am
King Charles releases Earl Spencer diss track
September 18, 2026 at 8:06 am
Donald Trump pledges to replace Constitution with the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition
September 17, 2026 at 3:08 pm
