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News Thump
Bin bag promoted to the living room
Today at 11:39 am
Yoda ruining the carol singing again
Today at 10:25 am
Distraught woman left with no time to respond after psychopathic friend hand delivers card on Christmas Eve
Today at 9:55 am
Women of a certain age denied compensation, confirms new Pensions Secretary Gregg Wallace
December 18, 2024 at 11:56 am
Man who walked all the way from the settee to the fridge and back awarded Doncaster Sports Personality of the Year
December 18, 2024 at 11:41 am
Dreadful hate-filled spam-faced old misogynist of the year competition ends in a tie
December 18, 2024 at 10:40 am
Prince Andrew uninvited to Christmas at Sandringham after security find wire under his jumper
December 17, 2024 at 12:41 pm
Prisons to vacate cells with convicted Poppy wearers to make way for people guilty of saying “Merry Christmas!”
December 17, 2024 at 12:24 pm
Widespread fury as violent milkshake thrower avoids death penalty
December 17, 2024 at 11:10 am
Prince Andrew leaves keys to Buckingham Palace on London Bus
December 17, 2024 at 11:10 am
Widespread concern throughout house that new neighbour is ‘chatty’
December 17, 2024 at 10:11 am
Royal Mail takeover delayed after documents left with buyer’s neighbour
December 16, 2024 at 3:23 pm
Office Christmas Party signals beginning of mating season to alcohol-dependent middle-aged secretaries and office ‘lads’
December 16, 2024 at 2:55 pm
Hunter Biden issues ‘let’s party’ invite to Matt Gaetz
Today at 9:09 am
47-year-old-man’s ‘pre drinks’ now five pints of water and a Berocca
Yesterday at 12:23 pm
Grown man insists on calling it Christmas Eve Eve
Yesterday at 10:14 am
Man City buy James Webb telescope to try and find last decent performance
December 16, 2024 at 11:09 am
Christmas ruined as Chris Rea’s car fails MOT
December 15, 2024 at 3:09 pm
Elon Musk buys Santa Claus and introduces new $9 fee to ensure “any child” can become verified and write to him
December 13, 2024 at 10:37 am
As colder weather arrives, pigs delighted to hear they’ll soon be getting blankets
December 13, 2024 at 10:23 am
US Prisoner found wandering barefoot in Syria spotted being led into interview room by Carrie Mathison
December 13, 2024 at 10:11 am
Rudolph relieved as all the other reindeer find someone else to pick on after Santa invests in new Tesla Cybertruck
December 13, 2024 at 10:11 am
‘I won’t be sending Christmas Cards this year because f**k you, that’s why,’ says unusually frank friend
December 12, 2024 at 11:40 am
FIFA President defends Saudi World Cup in tracksuit stuffed with cash
December 12, 2024 at 11:12 am
Death Star to host 2038 World Cup
December 12, 2024 at 9:01 am
Harry Potter fans furious actual wizard wasn’t cast as Severus Snape
December 11, 2024 at 11:13 am
Nobody in your office doing a damn thing today
Yesterday at 9:39 am
Vampires celebrating their longest day of the year
December 21, 2024 at 9:42 am
Child completely rewrites Christmas list with less than five days to go
December 20, 2024 at 11:12 am
Culture Secretary Lisa Nandy enhances image of the government by arriving at PMQs in a brand-new Bugatti
December 11, 2024 at 10:44 am
Parents up at three in morning having forgotten to move Elf on the f**king Shelf
December 11, 2024 at 10:31 am
Santa warns he can only deliver presents within 180 miles of North Pole after switching to electric sleigh
December 10, 2024 at 9:55 am
David Coote given asylum in Moscow, confirms Kremlin
December 9, 2024 at 7:39 pm
Father Christmas accused of illegally monitoring millions of children
December 9, 2024 at 10:48 am
Jay-Z up to 100 problems
December 9, 2024 at 10:26 am
Thousands of Brits either lose or gain a trampoline
December 7, 2024 at 5:23 pm
Family left distraught after Winter Wonderland turns out to be very festive and great value for money
December 6, 2024 at 1:42 pm
BBC knew about the allegations against The Grinch, claims Whoville resident
December 6, 2024 at 11:40 am
Confused man loses thousands after following financial advice from a woman who became famous for spitting ‘on that thang’
December 6, 2024 at 11:12 am
Elon Musk’s DOGE secures first big efficiency win by saving $190m of government money that was about to be wasted on child cancer research
December 20, 2024 at 10:42 am
Saruman and the Uruk-hai thank Elon Musk for his generous donation
December 19, 2024 at 2:56 pm
‘Turkey Tax’ and other government ideas to take money away from pensioners
December 19, 2024 at 2:28 pm
Council bans baubles, imagines Chelmsford man
December 6, 2024 at 9:09 am
‘They’re taking over!’ claims man, after learning 0.78% of new babies are named Muhammad
December 5, 2024 at 2:11 pm
Donald Trump appoints Joe Biden as his ethics advisor
December 5, 2024 at 1:43 pm
Nation gearing up for annual ‘Fairytale of New York’ lyric rage-athon
December 5, 2024 at 1:11 pm
Angela Merkel’s memoir only the second-best book written by a German leader, claims Nigel Farage
December 4, 2024 at 12:38 pm
Mariah Carey’s ‘All I want for Christmas’ actually improves with every listen, insists retail worker delicately crafting tinsel noose
December 4, 2024 at 10:11 am
Man who has never set foot in a museum insists nation should fight to the death to keep Elgin marbles
December 4, 2024 at 9:41 am
Proud British patriots demand Elgin marbles be ‘sent back where they came from’ after learning they came here illegally on a small boat
December 3, 2024 at 11:12 am
Michael Buble set to be unfrozen for Christmas
December 3, 2024 at 10:56 am
