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News Thump
Boyfriend begins planning spectacularly mediocre Valentine’s Day
Today at 11:43 am
Animals celebrate the US returning to plastic straws
Today at 10:38 am
Kanye West disgusted by Labour WhatsApp messages
Today at 9:23 am
Wages to be recalculated based on how useful you will be after the apocalypse
February 6, 2025 at 10:12 am
Golf course design falls out of Trump’s pocket during Gaza briefing
February 5, 2025 at 2:26 pm
‘We’re going to move it to Texas’ – Trump outlines latest plans for Gaza
February 5, 2025 at 11:09 am
Man demanding Canada becomes 51st state struggling to name any of the others
February 5, 2025 at 11:09 am
Woman who visited Mumsnet looking for advice on baby food now a trans-exclusionary radical feminist
February 4, 2025 at 12:09 pm
Homeworker narrowly escapes starvation after completely forgetting to have his second breakfast
February 4, 2025 at 11:54 am
Deadline day shock as Lee Anderson rejoins Labour until the end of the season
February 4, 2025 at 10:40 am
London landlord charging £5,000-a-month to live in Jaden Smith’s house-shaped hat
February 4, 2025 at 9:54 am
North American Black History Month kicks off with the now traditional ‘wailing of the c*nts’
February 3, 2025 at 2:11 pm
England’s Marcus Rashford swaps struggling mid-table side for Champions League football
February 3, 2025 at 9:24 am
Convicted felon surprisingly unhappy with idea of ‘International Criminal Court’
Yesterday at 1:09 pm
Man who stayed up to watch the Super Bowl enjoying full day of telling everyone he stayed up to watch the Super Bowl
Yesterday at 12:42 pm
Rampant consumerism celebrates 59th consecutive Super Bowl victory
Yesterday at 12:42 pm
Football fans leaving mince pies out for Fabrizio Romano on Deadline Day Eve
February 2, 2025 at 9:24 pm
People who did ‘Dry January’ not feeling so smug today, reveals study
February 2, 2025 at 5:11 pm
Trump supporters to continue with comforting misapprehension that China will pay the tariffs in same way Mexico paid for the wall
February 2, 2025 at 9:38 am
Everything is proceeding exactly as I have foreseen, explains wise Brexit sage
January 31, 2025 at 1:57 pm
‘Apple profits are outrageous’ tweets man into his new £1,500 iPhone
January 31, 2025 at 12:12 pm
Less diversity in the Nazi party would have prevented Hindenburg disaster, insists Donald Trump
January 30, 2025 at 7:55 pm
How to Keep Your Home Spotless in London Without Losing Your Marbles
January 30, 2025 at 3:53 pm
Man left furious as 45-minute run counts for nothing after forgetting to wear his Fitbit
January 30, 2025 at 3:40 pm
Shock as £80 fine fails to deter parents from saving thousands on term-time holidays
January 30, 2025 at 3:25 pm
Alan Sugar offers free Amstrad Emailer to every office worker who returns to an office building he owns
January 30, 2025 at 12:41 pm
Rap concert interrupted by impromptu NFL match
Yesterday at 12:25 pm
Keir Starmer currently staring in through your window
February 7, 2025 at 8:37 pm
Shock report: NewsThump world’s only media organisation *not* getting money from USAID
February 7, 2025 at 3:24 pm
RFK Jr. wears carcass of dead bear to confirmation hearing
January 29, 2025 at 4:58 pm
Donald Trump to release classified JFK files as soon as staff finish writing ‘Hunter Biden did it’ on every page
January 29, 2025 at 2:40 pm
Ethnic cleansing is bad, unless we’re the ones doing it, insist Israelis
January 29, 2025 at 11:56 am
“DeepSeek copied our work!” whines company that only exists by copying other people’s work
January 29, 2025 at 9:27 am
“DeepSeek is totally rubbish and doesn’t know anything” insists ChatGPT
January 28, 2025 at 12:54 pm
Man who despises Bill Gates for ‘trying to control everyone with microchips’ publicly hails Elon Musk’s attempts to ‘control people with microchips’
January 28, 2025 at 11:09 am
Man with air fryer left devastated after missing conversation where he could have mentioned his air fryer
January 28, 2025 at 9:56 am
Man who works from home still slightly late every single day
January 27, 2025 at 12:10 pm
Keir Stamer adds Amazon to list of terror organisations
January 27, 2025 at 10:41 am
‘No, you hang up first’, Starmer tells Trump
January 27, 2025 at 9:10 am
Steve Coogan avoids Waitrose queue after insisting he has an imminent Alan Partridge rehearsal
February 7, 2025 at 11:23 am
As Sweden plans to tighten gun laws after single mass shooting, the US suggests they should give ‘thoughts and prayers’ a proper try first
February 7, 2025 at 10:41 am
‘We don’t give a sh*t’ public tells Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni
February 6, 2025 at 10:39 am
Man who claims to hate Sharia Law pretty keen on bringing it into the British legal system
January 25, 2025 at 9:54 am
Company insisting you can no longer ‘work from home’ also expects you to respond to work emails after you’ve ‘gone home’
January 24, 2025 at 12:54 pm