Work (plus Nigeria) is hard enough without dealing with coworkers who make you want to go outside, look up at the sky and ask God, “Why did you brought sic me to this country?”
From the office gossip to the energy vampire, some people are just wahala waiting to happen. And that’s without even touching on the annoying lover boy who has arrived early with the staff bus but, unlike the other staff who use that time to get some more sleep, instead uses it to leave a long, loud, annoying “good morning message for her”.
The Five Coworkers to Avoid at All Cost
Here’s your guide to recognizing and dodging all the people you need to avoid at work, because sincerely and truly, as the philosopher Tiwa Savage said: you no come this life to suffer (more than necessary).
1. The Office Gossip (A.k.a NTA News)
This person’s main job is news reporter, and the role on their employment contract is just a side hustle. They know who’s dating who, who broke up with who, who’s about to get fired (and why), and who’s next in line for a promotion.
You’ll find them either hovering by people’s desks like guys outside the betting centre hustling for daily 2 odds or sliding into your slack DMs with a “You won’t believe who I saw talking to oga just now!” Their KPIs and OKRs? To be the first to spread the gist—whether true, half-true, or a complete lie.
For your peace of mind, avoid talking to them too often. People will assume you’re part of their gossip constituency if you’re seen talking to them regularly. The next thing you know, HR is sending you a query about “unprofessional behaviour.”
If you make the rookie mistake of confiding in them, your secrets will become the next office memo. That small gist you told them about how your BetKing bet code hit last week, and how you’re keeping it lowkey to avoid billing? SORRY, billing has come o!
The office gossip can be entertaining—after all, who doesn’t love a little gist that does not concern them? But remember, they’re a drama cannon waiting to explode. Keep your distance far and your secrets even farther.
Extra Tip: If they manage to corner you, hit them with a “Hmmm…God dey” and walk away like you’re late for an investor meeting.
2. The Energy Vampire (Nigerian Dracula)
This one is the human equivalent of that low NEPA voltage that comes every other month, draining everybody’s light, life, energy and ruining expensive devices.
Whether it’s their constant negativity, consistent complaints about everything, or their almost impressive ability to turn even the most exciting project into an exhausting nightmare, the energy vampire is especially talented at making you feel more drained than an iPhone XR battery at 2%.
Why avoid them? Spending too much time with this energy sucker will leave you feeling like you’ve run a marathon on an empty stomach - frustrated and ready to collapse while questioning all your life choices.
If you’re unfortunately stuck in a team project with them, focus on the task at hand and avoid getting drawn into their doomsday attitude. Keep your responses short and professional, like you’re responding to a situationship that doesn’t know things have ended.
In case they ever corner you and start sharing negativity like a party pack, politely but firmly cut them off. Say “Abeg abeg, I no get power for that one today. I get work.”
3. The Know-It-All (A.K.A. “The Google Expert”)
This person is the office’s self-appointed Wikipedia, Google, and ChatGPT. They have an opinion on everything, from how to write documentation, why nobody sees Lagbaja’s face, Davido vs Wizkid, Funke Akindele, Tope Alabi, the real truth about Ayra Starr and Rema relationship, how to buy a house in Banana Island Lagos to why jollof rice tastes better in Senegal (even though they’ve never been there).
They are always doing oversabi, whether what they know is accurate, outdated, or entirely made up. That’s why they are frenemies with the office gossip.
You can always spot the office oversabi by their signature phrases: “Actually, let me correct you there,” “Fun fact…” and “Well, according to my research…”
They’re the type of person who will interrupt your presentation to point out a silly typo on slide 3 or explain why your opinion is “technically incorrect.”
Their unsolicited advice and corrections can make you feel like you’re in secondary school, being scolded by a wicked maths teacher whose wife left him for the French teacher.
Why avoid them other than the fact that they are more annoying than mosquitoes in your ear?
How to survive, in case you jam them by mistake:
When they start their “Well, actually…”, respond with “Wow, that’s interesting. Anyway…” and sharply change the subject.
Never argue with them; it will be like wrestling a pig in the mud. You’ll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it. Save your energy for fights that matter, like your upcoming appraisal.
If they’re really insistent and can’t seem to take a hint, give them a task to keep them busy. “Since you know everything and have all the degrees, can you help me fix this printer? E just dey make noise since morning.”
4. The Boss’s Pet (A.K.A. “Oga/Madam’s Eye Service”)
This person is the office equivalent of a teacher’s pet—always on the boss’s good side, and they’ll do anything and everything to stay there.
Whether it’s volunteering for extra work nobody needs, laughing like a hyena at oga or madam’s jokes, or throwing their colleagues under the bus, they will be there no matter what.
They’re the first to say “Yes, sir!” in meetings, the last to leave the office (even if they’re just scrolling through Instagram) because they want to appear overly dedicated, and the one who always seem to know what madam wants before madam even knows it.
Why avoid them? Their loyalty is to management alone. If it comes down to saving their own skin or protecting you, they’ll fling you under the bus and drive the bus over you twice.
They’re the kind of person who will take credit for your work without fear or shame and then blame you when things go wrong.
Always keep your distance from Oga and Madam’s pet. They’re not your friend and will use any information you share against you. Imagine if they now gang up with the office gossip to table your matter? It is finished oh.
If you have to work with them, save every email, text, and document, and keep a record of tasks, deadlines, and agreements. Also avoid sharing your real feelings about work around or with them. They’ll twist your words and serve them as macaroni to management on a silver platter.
5. The Overly Competitive Colleague (A.K.A. “The Hustle Machine”)
This person treats every task, project or even a typical day like it’s a BBNaija finale, with drama, villain energy, plenty of strategy, and a burning desire to win at all costs.
Whether it’s small office banter, a team project, or even who gets to the photocopier first, The Hustle Machine will turn it into a reality TV-worthy competition.
Unfortunately, you cannot avoid them, because they are the type of person management likes to involve in everything. Even though they will step on everybody’s toes, create unnecessary tension and turn a simple work project into a battle.
The only way to deal with it is to face your own work and let The Hustle Machine tire themselves out.