ASK PULSE: My girlfriend beats me but I can't let go

My girlfriend beats me, but I love her and can’t bring myself to leave.

Dear Pulse,

I met my girlfriend in September 2024 at a wedding. We ended up at the same table, and conversation flowed effortlessly. She was fun, engaging, and easy to talk to. By the end of the night, we had exchanged numbers. A few weeks later, we started dating.

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She’s everything I could want in a woman, she is sweet, kind, and incredibly smart. But she has one major flaw: she beats me.

If I told you she’s from the South-South, you might have an idea of the aggression I’ve been dealing with. I, on the other hand, am a calm guy. I grew up in a house full of women—just sisters and my mum, the love of my life. I was raised to never lay a hand on a woman, no matter what.

So finding myself in this situation is beyond distressing.

The first time it happened, I was in shock. We were in the middle of an argument when, out of nowhere, she slapped me—twice. My vision blurred for a second. I didn’t react; I just grabbed my things, left her house, and texted her that it was over.

Then came the apologies. She begged. Her family begged. She got my friends to plead on her behalf. She swore it was a moment of anger, a one-time thing.

I caved.

Everything was fine until it happened again.

This time, I was done. But that evening, my mum called, singing my girlfriend’s praises. Apparently, she had sent my mum ₦250,000. My mum was overjoyed, showering her with prayers, saying, "This is the woman you must marry!" She had never been this happy about anyone I dated before, and that softened me.

But it didn’t stop.

Again and again, the cycle continued. And now, I’m torn. I love her. I know she struggles with this, and it’s how she was raised. But how do I help her? Because aside from this, she is perfect.

— Ifeanyi.

Dear Ifeanyi,

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Here’s my advice, plain and simple: Leave her.

I know you love her. I know she’s sweet, kind, and smart. But she’s also abusive and that one flaw outweighs everything else.

Love should never come with violence. A relationship should be a place of safety, not fear. And no amount of apologies, money, or family pressure can change the fact that she physically assaults you.

You’ve given her multiple chances. You’ve tried to justify her actions because of her background. But the hard truth is, you cannot fix her. She needs professional help. Therapy. Anger management. And she won’t truly change unless she acknowledges that she has a problem and actively works on it.

Right now, you’re in a cycle—she hurts you, she apologizes, something convinces you to stay, and then it happens again. This will not stop unless you break the cycle by walking away.

You deserve love without pain. A partner who respects and protects you, not one you have to defend from yourself.

So leave. Walk away and don’t look back. Let her know that if she ever wants a healthy relationship with you or anyone else, she needs to get professional help. You can care for someone from a distance, but staying with them at your own expense is not love. It’s self-destruction.

— Ifeanyi.