The Gottman Institute say that “distressed” couples ― those whose relationship is less stable and happy ― are more likely to see one another’s actions and words as negative, even when they’re not intended that way. 

This is known as negative sentiment override, they say, and often comes from resentment. 

The trouble with resentment, though, is that it can be hard to spot ― even by the people experiencing it, the Cleveland Clinic says. 

So, we thought we’d speak to psychologist and owner of Family & Forensic Solutions, Dr Celeste Simmons, and sexologist and relationship therapist Sofie Roos of Passionerad, about the signs your partner may be growing to resent you. 

How can I spot signs of resentment in my relationship?

“Clear-cut signs” of resentment “may manifest in less communication, little or no affection emotionally and physically, noticeable changes in efforts made, passive aggression or sarcasm, emotional withdrawal and feelings of disconnection overall,” Dr Simmons said. 

Roos seemed to agree: her signs included your partner pouncing on your mistakes, not putting effort into intimacy, and shutting you out of their life. 

Poor communication, a lack of effort and affection, and snarky comments appeared in both of their lists.

Why does resentment build? 

Per Dr Simmons, there are seven main reasons why the feeling begins in the first place. “These are what happens to plant the seeds of resentment for them to grow,” the psychologist said.

“The more seeds that are planted, the stronger the resentment becomes, this is not built quickly but over time.”

These “seeds” are:

1. Unmet needs
2. Continuous disappointments
3. An imbalance in power/or say in the relationship
4. Avoidance of difficult things
5. Lack of emotional expression/withdrawal
6. Unspoken expectations
7. Decreased communication.

“The most common reason for... growing resentment is your communication being off, and that you ‘suck things up’ and let them slide” instead of speaking up for yourself, Roos added. 

“When resentment sets in and takes root, it becomes a poison between you two and... starts to permeate the entire relationship,” she continued, advising we “act early on the signs.” 

How do you address suspected resentment?

“A little bit of self-reflection is always best to do first,” Dr Simmons told HuffPost UK. 

She advises you to keep your eye out for those “seven seeds” she mentioned before, and bring the issue up from your perspective first.

“You don’t know what the other person is thinking so try not to come from that angle. Come from a place of genuine curiosity,” she advised. 

Roos agrees, adding: “When you have defined the cause, you can start talking about why it has happened and how you got here... and how you... can start working to prevent it.” 

It’s important to set a goal for where you want to go in the relationship as well as just identifying where it’s lacking, she added. 

“You’ll need to process it together and have an ongoing dialogue about how you feel. Make sure the one who feels/felt the resentment is alerting their partner if any triggering behaviours start again.”