It’s the question many a couple have asked themselves ― are we doing it too much or too little? What’s “enough” sex for a couple to begin with?

Of course, there’s no straightforward answer to that question, though it’s likely lower than many think. 

For instance, some researchers found that only 26% of couples hit the once-weekly mark. 

So, we thought we’d reach out to clinical psychologist, professor of psychiatry at UCSF Medical School, and CEO of Maximus Dr Cameron Sepah, Kinsey-certified sexologist and professor of sexual communication at California State University Fullerton Dr Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, and couples counsellor and author of The Couples Communication Handbook Raffi Bilek how little is too little.

There’s no fixed number 

All experts agree that there’s no set number couples should aim for, though the sexologist did have an ideal minimum level.

“Sex frequency varies throughout the course of a relationship due to biological, psychological, and situational factors,” Dr Sepah explained, though Dr Suwinyattichaiporn told HuffPost UK: “According to research on over 30,000 individuals, couples who have sex at least once a week are happier than those who don’t.”

The sexologist added: “This doesn’t always have to be penetrative sex. It can be any kind of sexual activity that both partners find interesting, fun, and/or arousing.” 

For Raffi, however, the calculation is simpler. The “too low” figure is simply “Whatever amount is causing arguments.” 

The relationship expert said that how you feel about sex can reveal whether you’re having enough of it. 

“You’ll know a conversation is due if you find yourself feeling iffy about approaching your partner for sex. Will you get rejected (again)? Is it going to turn into an argument?”

“On the flip side, maybe you feel you’ve been pushing yourself to meet your partner’s needs and are feeling increasingly uncomfortable with it – maybe even used.” 

Dr Sepah says unmet needs from one or both partners can come out sideways too, making you or your partner irritable, distant, or unaffectionate. 

“Frustration may also be released elsewhere in the relationship, like feeling disregarded or not appreciated, when in reality, the real problem is an unmet physical intimacy need,” the psychologist added. 

How should couples stalk about mismatched libidos?

Sexologist Dr Suwinyattichaiporn told us that “Discussing different sex drives can be easier when people quantify their satisfaction.”

She asks each partner how often they’d like to have sex. If one wants it three times a week but the other is happy with having sex once, that’s only a two-day discrepancy.

In that case, she encourages couples to ask one another: “What can we do together to connect on those two days?”

The answer may lie in what she calls “erotic solutions, like trying sexual meditation together, naked cuddling, teasing, or oral sex. Not everything sexual has to involve penetration.” 

Dr Sepah advises couples to phrase communication about differing needs as a way to strengthen the relationship, not as a means of blaming or confronting the other person. 

“Rather than complaining, ‘We’re not having enough sex, and I’m unhappy,’ a partner can say, ‘I miss the sense of closeness that we have when we’re intimate. How can we work together to get that back?’”, he said. 

Raffi shared: “Start the conversation by acknowledging it’s a difficult topic and that you know it’s going to be awkward for both of you.” 

“Is your partner pulling back from sex because of some problem in the relationship? Or are they just stressed? Is there something deeper going on? No way to know unless you talk about it!” 

Should I break up with my partner over not having enough sex?

Some good news for couples who feel unsatisfied or unsure about how often they do it ― Dr Sepah says that in most cases, couples can get over a mismatch through open and caring communication. 

As Raffi says, “people who automatically and easily match up on their sexual needs are the exception, not the rule.” 

Still, Dr Suwinyattichaiporn says that “When the discrepancy is over 15 times a month, couples should seriously consider whether they are compatible for the long term.” 

Dr Sepah, meanwhile, told HuffPost UK: “when one’s needs are consistently disrespected, leading to resentment, infidelity, or emotional alienation, and both partners are not capable or willing to meet halfway, the relationship is not sustainable.”

“And if sex is an important expression of love to one partner but is otherwise insignificant to the other, a more fundamental value discrepancy is at work.”