You’re reading Between Us, a place for parents to offload and share their tricky parenting dilemmas. Share your parenting dilemma here and we’ll seek advice from experts.

Listen, right – we’re never all going to get on 100% of the time, whether that’s with our kids, parents, siblings, friends, the neighbourhood cat (you name it).

But some relationships can wear a little thin over time – and when that does happen, what are you supposed to do (especially if you feel like you’re being treated unfairly)?

Such is the case for one parent who took to Mumsnet’s Am I Being Unreasonable forum recently to explain that her own parents, who are in their 60s, give her the silent treatment if they aren’t able to see her when they like and she thinks they’re being “unfair”.

“My parents are always wanting me to meet on a weekly basis and if I don’t I’m often given the cold shoulder for a few days,” she explained.

“I find a lot of it is mind games and feels quite toxic. On the flip side they can be lovely and I used to roll over whenever we argued as I hated having [a] bad feeling, now though I am too busy and also tired to deal with the moods they go into.”

The parent said she is 40 and has a busy life between being married, raising a young child, working and seeing friends. 

“As they’ve got older it’s got worse and I’ve actually not heard from them properly for a few weeks as they went on holiday and clearly are annoyed I didn’t arrange for them to see dd [dear daughter] before they went,” she said.

“Has anyone else found a higher reliance emotionally from parents as they’ve got older? I worry I am dealing with it in the wrong way.”

The responses to her story were, ahem, mixed.

One person (user AmusedGoose) replied: “Sorry you are being unreasonable. You obviously don’t like them much so be honest about meeting up etc so they aren’t making allowances and using their free time.

“Hope they get on with their lives and give you and your sister the freedom you so desire. Hopefully your daughter will treat you the same.”

But others seemed to think there needed to be better communication from the grandparents if they wanted to see her or their grandchild. 

“Relationships are two way and consensual. If they want to see DD [dear daughter] more they can ask,” said user MyPearlCrow.

“Sulking is what toddlers do when they don’t get their own way. I’d breeze on through. Arrange to see them when it suits you, and breeze on past any nonsense. Ignoring tantrums tends to make them go away.”

Another commenter said: “They sound quite stressful. Of course you can’t see them every week, I expect you are knackered. They could do with being a bit more understanding of the huge pressure people are under trying to hold things together with young kids.”

What does an expert think?

Psychotherapist and relationship counsellor Debbie Haring says as an adult child navigating a complex relationship with your parents, it can be helpful to reflect on the familiar patterns that have shaped the relationship up until now. 

“Attachment patterns formed in early life continue to influence how we relate to our parents in adulthood,” says the Counselling Directory member.

Recognising these patterns can “help us understand our emotional responses and navigate interactions more consciously”, she suggests.

Here’s her advice... 

Communicate what needs to change

The therapist says real change requires mutual effort. “Both parties would need to be involved in open, honest and non-confrontational conversations and be genuinely invested in working toward change,” she explains.

“To navigate this situation, it may be helpful to talk to your partner, your sibling or friends that you trust and feel safe with and think about the boundaries you might want to put in place that feels right for you.”

Set and enforce clear boundaries

The therapist adds that strong boundaries – for example, being very clear about what time/capacity you have to offer, setting out in your own mind what you feel is reasonable and communicating this clearly to your parents – could help.

You could say something along the lines of: “I know you’d like to see us more often; I care about you, but my life is very full right now. So can we plan ahead and arrange some dates in advance?”

The therapist says this can help validate their feelings without compromising your own, especially if you stick to the time boundaries you’ve set for yourself. 

Don’t feel responsible for their behaviour

Easier said than done, but try to step back from feeling responsible for their moods or emotional withdrawal, suggests the therapist.

“Their reactions may have more to do with their internal struggles than anything you’ve done. If they sulk or distance themselves, resist the urge to take it personally or immediately ‘fix’ things,” she explains.

“Instead, stay grounded, respond with calm neutrality, and allow them to navigate their own emotions.”

Find support

Lastly, the counsellor advises to think about the support you have and “take some risks in making use of that support”.

“Be aware of not falling into the pattern of being ‘ultra-independent’ or resisting asking for help if you need it,” she warns. 

“We all need to reflect on our energy levels, our emotional resources and our current capacity and know that our needs are important too. It’s essential to take time for self-care and not feel encumbered by guilt.”