Parents can feel exhausted having to deal with a child or teen who constantly argues back about every little thing – or whose response to their every suggestion is “I don’t like it” or “no, I hate that”.

Regardless of which situation you find yourself, parenting coach Albiona Rakipi has some interesting advice for you.

Rakipi, who runs The Parenting Reframe, suggests that for kids who argue back or “lean a little negative”, there’s a very simple response – and it involves doing absolutely nothing.

You heard correctly.

In a TikTok video, the parenting coach said she’s given the advice to all of her one-to-one clients and “they usually push back against my answer, and nine out of 10 times they message me back a few days later and they say, ‘thank you it worked’”.

She explained when kids are negative, it is “very easy” for parents to become activated or triggered because “we are seeing our kids as negative ... they’re not grateful, they’re acting entitled, they’re so spoiled”.

Our buttons get well and truly pushed. 

Rakipi offered an example of suggesting going to a particular restaurant for dinner and being met with negativity from your child: “So they say something like, ‘I hate that restaurant’ and all of a sudden we jump back and we’re like ‘no you don’t, you love it. We went there three other times last month and you loved it every single time’ ... and we double down and we try to be right in that moment.”

Her advice for those in this situation? Pause, recognise the activated state you’re in, and then do absolutely nada. 

Or if you do want to say something, keep it short and sweet: “Oh yeah you don’t really like it there... okay.” (But you still go to the restaurant, as planned.)

“Doing nothing is doing something,” added the parenting coach. “When we don’t take the bait and we don’t argue back with them, the situation deescalates almost immediately. There’s nowhere for it to go.”

Her video has clearly resonated with a lot of people, as it’s been viewed more than 7 million times.

“My 15yo son is like this,” said one parent in the comments section. “It’s such a drain on my own mood. I usually ignore it and continue with plans, but omg it ruins everything! I learned not to ask his opinion or if he wants to go places.”

Another said: “My boyfriend’s 13 yr old boy does this. It is so draining every day. I never react, but internally it sucks.”

But some caregivers recognised that if they do or say ‘nothing’, their child would get more wound up and accuse them of not listening – or they’d simply repeat what they said until they got a response. 

When doing ‘something’ does help

It’s worth noting that while doing nothing can be a useful strategy, it’s probably not going to be an effective strategy every single time your child is negative or talks back about something.

As experts from Better Together Family Therapy explain, it’s important to understand why children argue or talk back. They note that when this happens, stress or frustration about something happening at home, at school, or with friends is usually the “prime suspect”. 

“Children often lack the language skills or confidence to tell us directly that something is bothering them. Especially if it’s important,” they said. “Pick a calm moment to ask your child if something is bothering her or on his mind.”

And if the arguing is happening a lot, they advise looking for “big picture changes” that could be made to help your child’s week run a little smoother – could you plan something fun together? Or add a self-care step into their daily routine? Are they over-scheduled and need some downtime?

“Add opportunities to connect and play together,” add the therapists. And if nothing seems to help, don’t be afraid to reach out for professional support.

Help and support:

• Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
• Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI - this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
• CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
• The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
• Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.