After so much time spent on global diplomacy, a hi-vis Keir found he didn’t quite know how to do normal any more

What just happened? It was quiet. Much too quiet. Outside his bedroom window, he could have sworn he heard birdsong. Keir Starmer opened one eye. Cautiously. With an air of trepidation. Then, almost reluctantly, he opened the other. He leaned over to his bedside table and reached for his phone to see what fresh hell awaited him. What disasters the orange manchild in the White House had inflicted on the rest of the world while he had been asleep. It had reached the point where he had come to confuse the daily reality check with his darkest nightmares.

Nothing. Well, almost nothing. Just one late-night post on Donald Trump’s social media feed warning the people of Gaza that they would all die if they didn’t release the Israeli hostages. Keir exhaled. That was someone else’s problem. The Middle East was well above his pay grade. Others could take the lead in brokering a peace there. All that was required of him was to say a few tough words condemning Hamas and calling for a two-state solution from time to time.