Jokes ranging from political puns to Britpop gags were collated by U&Gold in keeping with tradition of lame one-liners

What do you get if you mix Keir Starmer, Thames Water, and a weight-loss drug taking Father Christmas? The top 10 best Christmas cracker jokes of 2024, as voted for by the British public.

The jokes were written by members of the public and then posted online, where they were filtered into a shortlist by a panel of judges before being put to an anonymous vote of 2,000 people.

Why are pensioners bulk buying-brussels sprouts this Christmas? It’s the only way they’ll keep the gas flowing this year

Why is Rachel Reeves in the Nativity this year? She’s collecting inn-heritance tax.

Why is Santa worried about being stalked? He’s surrounded by baby reindeer

Who’s Santa’s favourite member of Oasis? Noel

Why does Father Christmas find going down chimneys easier this year? He’s on Ho Ho hozempic.

Why aren’t there more jokes about receiving Oasis tickets for Christmas? Most people won’t get them.

What do you call a Belgian reselling tickets at inflated prices? – a Brussels tout.

What’s the Thames Water advent calendar like? It’s full of number 2s.

Why did Gareth Southgate get into difficulty with the Christmas Club money? He was always late with his subs.