Going down a private equity rabbit hole was the last thing I thought I’d encounter when I finally dialled the number

I wasn’t sure if he wanted to fight me or just tell me something, but the bloke in the car behind wanted me to pull over. As far as I could see, he wasn’t as big as me, so I decided to risk it. He stopped behind me, got out, came to the window, and said one of my back wheels was damaged. Oh, good. I sat there for a while, luxuriating in despair.

Eight o’clock on a Saturday morning on the M40 northbound just past Warwick. I’d come to a stop right in front of a sign I had seen a thousand times before. It pops up after every junction on this motorway that I know so well. “M40. Maintained by UK Highways for National Highways. 0300 123 5000.” I’ve long wondered what this word (and number) salad of a sign is on about. For a start, what is the number for? It took me back to John Major’s cones hotline. As I recall, nobody was clear what that was for either.

Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster, writer and Guardian columnist