Nobody gives the president something to cheer these days. Not his enemies, his friends or his high-powered hirelings. They are all jealous of telling the president the truth in case his head swells. The president’s critics are so envious that they’ll never see anything good in him even if his plane rains dollars on their heads.

Imagine what it has taken to point out to northern governors that if they keep smashing beer bottles at entry points it could reduce the value added tax that accrues to them from the shared till. Sincerely, what is the value in alcohol when even colonial overlords named it akpeteshie, to scare people from anything that soporifies than sweet, sweet codeine, superglue or lizard poo?

Addicts didn’t wait for science to make up its mind before believing the lie that a little wine or gin for breakfast, lunch or dinner makes the heart merry. From a pint, they empty a whole vat and put their livers in jeopardy creating headaches for traditional healers and nephrologists.

Today, foreign governments are tinkering with the idea of putting warning labels on alcohol to scare consumers of the hazard it poses – cancers of all sorts or cirrhosis or both. Tobacco was legal tender until tobacco companies dropped the baton in the hands of companies genetically modifying natural food products for mass consumption.

Thank you Hisbah for your clairvoyance. No amount of VAT should substitute for the holiness of states struggling to make their citizens shari’a-compliant. Not even the inability to pay salaries or develop the states.

It then followed that while the debate over the propriety of President Tinubu’s new tax policy was raging, nobody told the president his efforts at selling Nigeria to the world is paying handsome dividends. So much so that it is okay to ask APC supporters from Bourdillon Road to Ìṣàlẹ̀ Eko, to bring their high spirits. If they are well-behaved, Governor Babajide Sanwo-Olu might join in.

Those criticising President Tinubu for not turning Nigeria into paradise in one year, should rejoice that he has broken even Muhammadu Buhari’s records. While the average Nigerian student still fails O’ Level English, Nigeria under Tinubu has added a list of 20 words to the Oxford Dictionary in one year. Come on bad bellies, clap for the president!

Some of you might be thinking that a town hall different from Balablu Blu Bulaba is among the new lexicon, I can assure you that Académie Anglaise had a hung jury on that for now. The Oxford English dictionary is forever enriched with Nigerian entries as surely as Nigerian healthcare workers sustain British National Health Service, NHS.

Àgbàdo and Ẹ̀wà already have English translations but there are words associated with Tinubu’s reform agenda. Take the word jápa, for instance. It gained traction after our president removed the subsidy on petroleum products. That was when Nigerian youths believed that their prospects are better served in foreign lands – hence they jápa – travelled for greener or snowy pastures.

Those who are scammed either financially or romantically might not like the phenomenon called 419, but this sustained lingo equivalent to robbery by deceit has made it into the Oxford dictionary as part of the linguistic reform programme of government.

Nigerian politicians have no scruples. Their loyalty is never to a party but to where their bread is buttered. This is why, whenever they move from the party that elected them into the party that might better favour them, we do not say that they crossed the floor as the English do, we say they cross-carpet. You will agree that it conjures a better image.

Back in the day, if you were called a tout, you pulled off your shirt and fought to redeem your battered image. As a motor park administrator, MC Oluomo rebranded the word to make agbèrò appealing enough to win the endorsement of lexicographers at Oxford. It is now a real word in the dictionary.

Closely related to agbèrò is another word associated with thuggery – the sobriquet – area boy, linked with street urchins. This is where yours sincerely could have earned recognition. While reporting for the defunct Newswatch magazine during the Abacha years, yours truly wrote a cover titled – Area Boy Diplomacy to describe the Tom Ikimi led-junta response to foreign gang-up against dictatorship.

Naija is known for its exquisite cuisine and two of our food have made it to the OED. The first is our most favourable staple – Ẹ̀bà a bye-product of cassava. That staple has been saving lives before Buhari introduced online palliatives. Sitting comfortably with eba is suya, skillet meat garnished in ways that no other nation has been able to. Randy men swear it works better than Viagra.

What shall it profit a nation named by a colonial mistress if it cannot coin a much more popular derivative? After all, we have seen youths corruptly anglicise their meaningful names to give it global appeal. So sad that Prof Dora Akunyili is not here to give her verdict on the name Naija. Oxford lexicographers have finally agreed with majority of us, that Nigeria is arcane, but Naija is bae – and it’s official.

Enemies of General Yakubu Gowon sniffed when the federal university in Gwagwalada was recently named after him. His regime introduced the Naira and Kobo as our currency in 1973 although keyboards refused to integrate its glyphs. Finally, our own Kobo, the smallest unit of money existing is now legal tender on the OED. With luck, it might beat the American cent.

If you know anyone who jápa, they landed in jand – or foreign country. They can tell you that they have just janded.

Historians might remember that the main citizens of the famous Kanem Bornu empire were Kanuri. But the world appeared to have forgotten. The same way it forgot that the Edo of Benin built the famous wall around its empire that was bigger, stronger and more resilient than the famed Chinese wall. Finally, both Kanuri and Edo have entered the Oxford dictionary.

In the world of fashion, nobody does it better than Nigerian women. Winnie Madikizela Mandela paid glowing tributes to Maryam Babangida for introducing her to Naija’s haute couture. The Better Life for Rural Women (Dwellers) creator introduced Nigerian fashion to the world with her outings. She turned a fashion apparel, the female headgear aka gèlè into an iconic ensemble long before WTO CEO, Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala or Senator Khairat Abdulrazaq-Gwadabe or social influencer Meena Celeb personalised their own head ties. The tying of gèlè has turned people into millionaires and now found its way into the global lexicon along with the iconic tie-and-dye fashion known as àdìrẹ.

If you engage a Nigerian in a conversation and they respond with àbí, that could mean anything from I agree or isn’t it so, depending on the context. Abi is now a word in the Oxford dictionary.

If in future, President Tinubu attends the christening of a powerful leader’s side chick as he markets Naija to the world, he could boast of importing 20 Naija words into the Oxford Dictionary. That’s evidence that global junkets have strong lexicographical advantage.