Modern day dating/ marriages, are complex and no way as simple as they used to be a few generations ago. Not to say problems did not exist in marriages, but there was a simple thumb rule, make it work, no matter what. And somehow they did! Families went on, support was in the form of joint families, in laws, women in the households, men at work. Roles were clearly defined, and life went on.
Relationships today are far more complex. We live in nuclear units, live-in arrangements, bisexual relationships, a life far from home, career pressures, lifestyle pressures, excess availability of distractions, extra-marital affairs, the list in endless.
How then does one make a remotely successful relationship? Fidelity, commitment, monogamy, communication are all important for relationships to not just survive but thrive.
Here’s where couples therapy comes into play. Couples therapy can be done at any stage of a relationship, but I strongly advise, before marriage. It’s usually resorted to when all else fails, at the brink of a divorce, to help get over cheating, sexual incompatibility, but the sooner the better!
A few reasons why
We all carry childhood traumas. These affect our adult relationships. Our domestic environment, relationships between parents, with siblings etc, would help hugely if we identified our baggages. Even if we cannot avoid bringing them to our romantic relationship, we can definitely be aware, identify them and consciously work to keep them from destroying our relationships.
Sometimes, we shirk from uncomfortable conversations in early relationships – finances, moral values, religious beliefs, parenting techniques, families, in-laws, etc. The more clarity we have on what were walking into, the easier it us for us to wade through tough times.
Past relationships, broken marriages play a large role in defining what we bring to the table in our current marriages. This is further complicated by the presence of children from previous marriages. Making sure we have healed our past, learning to draw boundaries, defining expectations from all parties involved, are easier worked through in therapy.
Getting over infidelity, in case of one or the other partner cheating. Rebuilding trust, communication, patience, all these are addressed in a safe, honest environment in therapy.
Sexual incompatibility, sexual boredom, different expectations from our partner for intimacy, are very important in making or breaking a relationship. Whether we like it or not. sexual chemistry is most crucial and sometimes couples are unable to articulate their needs, fears etc. and hence therapy plays a crucial role in bridging these gaps.
And sometimes just good, old fashioned communication, sharing of thoughts, aligning lives that may have drifted apart due to day to day pressures, can all help cement and strengthen a relationship.
(Aanchal Gupta Kalantri is a relationship expert and owner of dance fitness studios called Arts in Motion Studios India)