According to Women’s Aid, a leading charity that tackles domestic abuse against women and girls, There were 43,774 offences of coercive control recorded by the police in England and Wales (excluding Devon and Cornwall) in the year ending March 2023.

When it comes to coercive control, Women’s Aid says: “Coercive control creates invisible chains and a sense of fear that pervades all elements of a survivor’s life. It works to limit their human rights by depriving them of their liberty and reducing their ability for action.”

Now, Paige Moyce, a relationship coach has taken to her TikTok channel to warn people about the phrases that could indicate coercive control.

Red-flag phrases to listen for

“We’re not talking about this anymore, you need to get over it, you can’t keep bringing it up”

Moyce says: “This is a classic one. When somebody has treated you in a way that is completely unacceptable or has done something to betray your trust, whatever it may be.

“When you are trying to heal from that, have conversations about that... you are shut down. This is the person trying to control your emotions, by making you feel like what you are feeling and what you want to talk about is wrong.”

While we can’t keep rehashing the same conversations over and over, Moyce says, “in order to heal, it has to be spoken about. There has to be a resolution, there has to be a plan.”

When a person is trying to skip these essential conversations, they want to sweep your feelings and their behaviour under the rug.

“Maybe because they don’t want to feel the guilt, maybe because they think you’re overreacting, maybe because they are happy to treat you that way, but not have the consequence.”

Regardless, Moyce insists, the reasons are irrelevant as the reality is that this is a person shutting you down and controlling when you can speak about the things that have hurt you.

“This is just how I am”

Moyce confesses: “This one always irritates me because I think most humans can change, most humans can evolve, most humans can work on themselves... If they want to.

“So many of [my] clients are caught in this trap for blaming themselves for how their partner behaves the way that they behave. You cannot hold a gun to a person’s head and make them do anything, nor should you.”

Moyce says that if your partner wants to change, they will: “You can only lead that horse to water so many times.

“When a person is saying ‘this is just how I am, take it or leave it’, they don’t think you’re going to leave. They think you’re going to accept that, and they don’t think there’s anything wrong in how they are.

“They’re not having much empathy for how their behaviours are affecting you.”

When a person says this, the coach warns, they’re trying to control your opinion of them, and make you believe that you are the problem.

“You should be grateful”

Of course, there is a little more nuance to this.

Moyce says: “The context I mean [when I say this] is being grateful for bare minimum. Being grateful for communicating, for prioritising you, for doing things that are expected in a relationship.

“When someone is throwing back at you what they do for you or what they are for you, or who they are in this relationship, that is causing you to look inwards and not look at the problem.”

She says that this is most often said to partners after an issue is raised, saying: “they’re diverting your attention away from the problem because they don’t want to address that, they don’t want to change that.”

She warns that this can result in you feeling like you are the problem for raising issues and that your standards are too high. 

Help and support:

If you, or someone you know, is in immediate danger, call 999 and ask for the police. If you are not in immediate danger, you can contact:

• The Freephone 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline, run by Refuge: 0808 2000 247
• In Scotland, contact Scotland’s 24 hour Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline: 0800 027 1234
• In Northern Ireland, contact the 24 hour Domestic & Sexual Violence Helpline: 0808 802 1414
• In Wales, contact the 24 hour Life Fear Free Helpline on 0808 80 10 800.
• National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0800 999 5428
• Men’s Advice Line: 0808 801 0327
• Respect helpline (for anyone worried about their own behaviour): 0808 802 0321