The Office for National Statistics said that in 2021, there were 781,000 step-families in the UK. Over half of these were “blended” families, which involved at least one child from both adults in the family. 

The relationship between step-parents and their step-children can be complicated, as Redditor u/ImaginaryStop6423′s post to r/AITAH (Am I The Asshole Here) proves. 

The original poster (OP) says she felt so offended by a comment her stepmother made about her deceased biological mum that she felt the urge to “embarrass” her back. 

So, we spoke to psychiatrist and founder of Ajibade Consulting Group, Omotola Ajibade, about how step-parents can connect to their new family without seeming like they’re “erasing” their first family.

OP’s step-mother made a poorly-judged remark

The post author said that her mother, who passed away when she was 10, is “still a sensitive subject” for her. 

Additionally, she claims, her stepmother – who has been married to her father for about six years – has ”always had this weird vibe... like she’s trying to compete with my mum even though my mum isn’t here.” 

That “weird vibe” includes being “snippy” when the post author wears something her mother owned, like the necklace she had on at a family dinner recently. 

When the OP’s step-grandmother spotted the necklace, she asked about it; the poster said, “It was my mum’s. She gave it to me before she passed. I wear it every day.”

Apparently, her stepmother cut in to say: “Well, technically, I’m your mum now.” 

She added, “I’ve done more mothering in the last 8 years than she did in 10.” 

After a stunned silence, the post author replied: “If you think being a mum is about trying to erase the actual one, then yeah, you’ve been amazing.”

She’s since been ignored by her stepmother. Her father says she “needs to be the bigger person,” and adds his wife was “just trying to connect.” 

“You’ll never be able to pretend your way into being a replacement for the birth parent” 

While this is an extreme case (in which the stepmother was pretty clearly in the wrong), Ajibade told HuffPost UK that even well-intentioned step-parents can find it “incredibly difficult to manage a relationship with a step-child.” 

“You’re stepping into a role that has many expectations both within and outside the family,” he said. Mistakes can be inevitable. 

“Depending on the child’s relationship with their birth parent, you may have a difficult time getting them to open up to you or to form a bond with you,” he added. 

“Forming a relationship has to happen at the kid’s pace.”

You have to “hold space” for the complicated feelings divorce, incarceration, illness, and more can create in your stepchild – and that’s before you do the crucial work of “process[ing] your own relationship with the birth parent as well.” 

And when you join a family with a dead member, “you now have your own relationship with the decedent,” Ajibade contained. 

“You may need to process that as well. I’d recommend doing this alone first so that you have time to sort out your own feelings” (and to avoid distressing any family members, as the Redditor’s stepmother did). 

“You’ll never be able to pretend your way into being a replacement for the birth parent,” the psychiatrist continued.

That’s not to say that you can’t be a valuable part of one another’s life – just that you can’t solely decide when and how that happens.

“Any effort you make to replace their birth parent will eventually backfire. You can only have your own relationship with the child.”