It’s funny how different peoples’ attitudes can be to having people in their homes, isn’t it? 

I think all the time about how Swedish people allegedly won’t feed guests who arrive near dinnertime (I grew up in Ireland, where overfeeding was the norm). 

Then again, I don’t reckon I’d be up for the days-long stays that were normal in my rural hometown, now I live in a cramped city apartment. Culture, circumstance, and lifestyle can all change what guests and hosts alike consider normal.

Redditor u/jeoonjun is facing a pretty extreme version of that dilemma. In a post shared in Reddit’s /AITAH (Am I The Asshole Here), they wrote: “We got an offer on a house, our friends asked if they can move in.” 

So, we thought we’d speak to psychiatrist Dr Pamela Walters of Eulas Clinics and Jo Hayes, founder of Etiquette Expert, about how to handle the scenario. 

The original poster (OP) is pretty unhappy with the offer

The poster shared that they’d recently bought a house with their husband, and were understandably excited. 

But after they shared the news with their friends and family, OP says: “One of our friends who is going back to school asked since the timing works out, can he and his wife come live with us during this time.” 

“My gut reaction was to say no because we haven’t even lived in the house and we’d immediately have to share the space with them,” they added.

After all, they say, their friend hasn’t even discussed how rent, groceries, and bills would work. 

“I would feel like a huge asshole telling them no and having that uncomfortable confrontation, but something tells me as first-time homeowners we’d be frustrated If we immediately let them move in when we haven’t settled in,” OP ended their post. 

How can you say ‘no’ to an unwanted guest?

Jo assures us that “This is a supremely common social conundrum”, adding, “It’s OK to say no.

“You’re not a bad person because you don’t want friends/family staying in your home. Even if you’ve got a spare bedroom.”

Dr Walters agrees, saying: “A simple, polite response that prioritises your needs can often be enough.

“Our culture tends to sort of value hospitality, sometimes to the point where we feel obligated to accept guests, even when it might not be healthy for us,” the psychiatrist added. 

“Being clear about our needs is not an act of selfishness, but of self-respect.” 

Both experts agree that being direct and not explaining yourself too much is the way to go. 

“A simple, ‘I’d love to be able to help you out, but I simply don’t have capacity to host right now, I’m sorry,’” goes far, Jo explained. 

“It’s important to be clear yet respectful,” Dr Walters agrees. If you truly feel for them, perhaps offering your health in another way could help; but be sure to keep your mental and emotional health in mind too.