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Everyone knows kids are masters of chaos, and therefore there’s no home (where children live, at least) that is tidy all of the time. But what happens when the untidiness takes over and starts impacting your mental health?

Such is the case for one burnt out parentwho took to Mumsnet to share her major gripe when it came to her children, aged two and four, and the explosion of mess they were creating in the home.

“I’ve been cleaning up constantly and whenever I turn around, there’s a new mess somewhere. I just can’t f***ing hack it anymore,” wrote the bewildered parent, adding that her husband doesn’t help much either.

“I cry when I am trying to stay on top of everything because I’m so exhausted and so frustrated.”

Fellow parents were quick to offer their suggestions – one recommended putting away toys they don’t play with and, if they don’t ask for them in a few months, getting rid of them. 

Another advised trying a toy rotation, where you have a set number of toys out at one time and put the others away, and then swap them weekly or monthly for a refresh. 

One mum recommended having words with the husband about his duty to help out. “You sound exhausted,” she said. “Force your DH [dear husband] to do his share and your load will be much lighter.”

What do therapists recommend?

Counselling Directory member Clare Patterson empathises with the mum but caveats that it’s also not the kids’ fault.

“Children will adapt to their surroundings, and if there are toys available (and that they know are available) they will want to play with them,” she tells HuffPost UK.

“If the rules around putting toys away are not enforced, they will also choose not to follow them. Why would they if there was a choice not to?”

Set boundaries and stick to them

In this instance, her key piece of advice is to set boundaries and reinforce them – and this means both parents laying down the law that the children need to help, so a tough conversation might be needed with the spouse.

“It is, of course, a good thing to encourage children’s freedom of expression – but it’s important to remember that true creative freedom is only possible with good structure and boundaries in place,” says Patterson.

“Parents need to recognise and embrace their role as the authorities in the household, and not be afraid to put rules in place and enforce them, whatever negative reaction this causes in their children.”

Of course, telling your kids to clean up after themselves will often be met with groans, screams, crying, you name it. But the therapist reinforces that the discomfort is worth it in the long-run. Try these psychologist-backed tips if you’re not sure where to start. 

“Many parents, when confronted with the idea of putting more discipline or structure in place, say this will be impossible to do because the upset it will cause will be more inconvenient to deal with than just putting the toys away themselves,” she says. 

But she notes this sets up a “vicious cycle” where the parent is afraid to rock the boat so the kids end up with more power than they should have. Cue: more resentment and frustration on the parents’ part.

Shift how you see the mess 

It might also be helpful to shift how you see the mess, suggests CBT therapist Natasha Scullane. Rather than seeing it as a failure, see it as “life is happening”, she recommends. 

“It’s a sign of creativity, play, and all the ways your kids are exploring the world. You don’t have to love it, but seeing it as part of the stage you’re in can take the pressure off,” she tells HuffPost UK. 

Start small 

There’s definitely a reason why we say “tidy home, tidy mind”. Mess can be overwhelming – especially if it’s everywhere. Scullane recommends starting with what she dubs a “micro-reset”.

How does this work? You might want to clear a single counter, or tidy one area, or set a timer for 10 minutes and see how far you get. 

“These small wins create momentum and help reduce feelings of overwhelm,” she explains.

Set up mess-friendly zones

When the kids are playing during the day, containing the chaos to one area of the house might be your best bet.

“Let the playroom or a corner of the living room be the place where things get messy, and keep a few areas, like your bedroom, as calm zones,” says Scullane, who is also a member of Counselling Directory. “Knowing you have a tidy retreat can make a huge difference to how you feel.”

Make it a game

While selling tidying-up as a fun activity can be tricky with older kids, toddlers usually love to help, so make it into a game or just something you do together as a family and reap the rewards. 

As Scullane says: “Whether it’s popping toys in a basket or wiping a table, celebrate the effort, not the result. It’s not about doing it perfectly – it’s about connection.”

You can also encourage children to help in an age-appropriate way. For instance, a four-year-old might pick up toys with prompting, and a two-year-old may enjoy simple tasks like carrying items. 

Be kind to yourself

“Remind yourself that parenting is hard, mess is temporary, and you’re doing the best you can,” concludes the therapist. “Treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion you’d show a friend in your shoes – you deserve it.”