My partner doesn’t seem to care about our sex life or my needs as her husband. Should I have an affair?

I haven’t had sex with my wife for more than 10 years. We have four dogs and she has them sleep in the bed; I told her I can’t sleep with the dogs and she didn’t do anything about it. She has me sleeping in another room by myself.I don’t know what to do and I feel so bad because I don’t get what I need. I have contemplated finding another woman and having a private affair, but I don’t know what to do.

If we allow someone to mistreat or disrespect us once there is a high likelihood that it will happen again, and if we continue to allow it again and again, it will escalate. You have put up with this situation for far too long, and if you really want change you will have to address it urgently and firmly. It is not necessary to be harsh or create a big fight. Quietly and clearly state how you feel and ask for change. An example would be: “I care about you and there are many things I enjoy about our life together. However, I am extremely unhappy that we are neither sleeping in the same bed or making love … and I need that to change. I need you to prioritise me as your husband. If there are impediments to you wanting to sleep with me or to you enjoying sex with me I need to understand what they are so we can try to become intimate again. I’m sorry, but I cannot tolerate being replaced in your bed by our dogs … I need you to change this now.” Undoubtedly, there will be reasons and excuses. You need to listen to these things calmly then repeat them back to her: “OK, I heard you say that …” Hopefully this method will give you enough mutual understanding to move forward, but, if you reach an impasse, insist on joint therapeutic help.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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