The sheer cruelty of inflicting peas on children at teatime meets with the response it so richly deserves

My wife came in from work to find a funereal hush. ‘Hello?’ she said tentatively, perhaps thinking her entire family had been abducted or, worse, were attempting an insipid practical joke at her expense. My wife doesn’t care for surprises. For years, she’s made it very clear that if I ever threw her a surprise birthday party, she would simply scream, exit the building, and our next communication would be via the law firm managing our divorce.

‘We’re in here’ I said, eventually, in a tone that suggested things were not going well. As she entered the kitchen, she found us at the dinner table, me glowering and our daughter in tears. Our son immediately leapt from his seat to hug her, and was soon sobbing into her dress.