Our brave victim writer sits through the film site’s 0%ers to see what makes a bad movie. Will she emerge with her sanity intact – and are all these flops really so bad?

I have seen horrors so limp and lifeless they have turned into comedies. I have seen comedies so dedicated to killing every last one of your brain cells that they have become total horrors. I have seen sex scenes drained of all sex. I have seen Jim Carrey play against type as a hardboiled detective with a light Polish accent. I have seen Nicolas Cage play to type as a hardboiled action lead in a film with a ludicrous premise (more on that later). I have seen actors deliver lines such as: “You are like the most precious flower and your blooming can only be enjoyed once!” with varying degrees of success. I have witnessed this exchange in a plodding crime drama:

Dad: What kind of sicko fucks their stepmom?