We revisit the epic tale of forbidden love, which saw Chamberlain strip off on a veranda and have his pecs polished and his neck erotically kneaded. But what did God make of it?

9 January 1984

“I missed you at evensong” said God. “Yes, I’m sorry about that. I was watching The Thorn Birds for my work.” “Who’s in it?” said God. “Funny you should ask that. You have a bit part.” “Stroll on,” said God. “What was I doing?” “You were failing to fill Richard Chamberlain.” “You’d better,” said God after a short pause, “begin at the beginning.”