Now I understand the terminology, it all seems so clear

• More summer essentials

I never identified as shy as a child because my younger brother was the type of kid who wouldn’t speak in the company of strangers, and I – apparently – never stopped talking. Shyness was comparative, and, in my family of origin, there was always someone shyer than me.

I didn’t notice my shyness until I split with my first long-term partner when I was 26. He’d been my boyfriend from the age of 14, so – by the time we parted – almost half my life. This first boyfriend was gregarious, always ready for a chat. He had a way of walking into a room and cracking a joke, so by the time I entered on his tailwind, everyone was already laughing. He’d warmed the room and I’d felt welcome. I’d never been an adult without him, so didn’t have any awareness of how he’d held me under his wing.

Jessie Cole is the author of four books, including the memoirs Staying and Desire, A Reckoning