I’m an undemanding diner who just wants to be left in peace to tell my world-beating anecdotes. So please don’t ask if I’m enjoying my meal when I’m mid-flow

My dad used to say that the mark of a good waiter or waitress was that they would always be looking around to see if anyone wanted to catch their eye. A fair point. I pride myself on being a low-maintenance diner, unlikely to grumble or make a scene unless the food is stone cold or has a dead mouse in it, or something. Even then, it’s hardly the fault of the waiting staff. But, yes, it is a bit annoying if you want something and can’t get anyone’s attention.

What I find more annoying, though – and I don’t feel good about saying this – is getting too much attention.