Alfonso Cuarón’s new drama about a wife whose secrets are exposed looks beautiful. Sadly, it’s also slow, turgid and – despite stars like Kevin Kline – so bad it needs to be pureed into mush

‘Beware of narrative and form,” warns a character at the start of Disclaimer. The viewer’s spirit naturally quails at such a glaring opening statement. But it’s got Cate Blanchett in it and Kevin Kline, and Alfonso Cuarón directing, and it’s on Apple TV+ which is no slouch of a streamer, so we rally and go on.

Is it worth it? Not quite. Blanchett plays garlanded TV documentarian Catherine Ravenscroft. She is for some reason married to Robert (Sacha Baron Cohen), a man who calls her “poppet”. Truly, other people’s relationships are a mystery. She receives a copy of an independently published novel called The Perfect Stranger. It is dedicated to “My son Jonathan” and – get this! – the disclaimer at the front reads: “Any resemblance to persons living or dead is not a coincidence.” When she reads the book, it becomes clear that the protagonist is her and that the author knows the secret she has been keeping from the poppet-monster for 20 years.